It's a stake out!

I've let myself fall behind again. Kind of.

Let me explain. I've been continuing with my weekly comfort zone challenges. My slacking has been in the part where I promised myself to write about it.

But I did it!

So the last 2 challenges in a nutshell. My challenges were applying for a job and camping.

First up: The job. I have a tough time applying for different jobs. I lack the confidence to believe that I will be chosen, which leads to the internal dialogue that I'm supposed to be where I am even if it doesn't make me excited at the end of the day. That seems messed up, right? Plus I was applying at a place that passed me up for a different position AND it would make significantly less money.

Eek! Still scares the shit outta me.

But I turned in the letters and application and have followed up on the job, hoping there's more out there for me. I still haven't heard back on the position but keep checking and the position is still open. I keep that Longshot hope because it took 4 months to learn that I didn't get the last one. I really really really want a call back.

Challenge 2: camping.

It's not like this was the first time I went camping and it's not technically a fear. I just really don't like it. I'm cool with hiking and chillin in the forest but at the end of the day I just really want my comforts.

We went up to meet with Tony's parents. That was fine. They had another couple friends up there too. That was awkward, but ultimately it was fine.

To sum it up quickly, we rode 4-wheelers a lot. It was fun. That was a first for me also. It does make me feel like one of those charicatures of Americans who think they have the right to own everything though. Like don't mind that shrub, we can zoom right over it. Appreciate nature's beauty while emitting carbon gasses into the air.

Ok. So maybe I should stick to my bicycle.

Other than that it was a rough night's sleep. Sleeping bags make me ridiculously hot so I was tossing and turning all night. Plus it was sooo quiet I couldn't function. Not even crickets. Sigh.

We also did a little hiking and I shot my bow. I'm getting better and that was probably my favorite part of the trip.

And that's that. Stay tuned. Hopefully I stay on top of the tasks I give myself 😉

I got the blues

I do this really stupid thing. Well, it's a thing I think a lot of women do, which doesn't make it less stupid, it just means I'm not alone in it.

What is it?

I give myself an age limit on things to like.

I'm too old for that. That skirt is too short for someone my age. Does this look like I'm just trying to be a teenager? This time, it was about my hair.

I always love rainbow colored hair. Loves it in junior high. Love it now. But I let myself be convinced that it's not for me anymore. I have to be professional at work. I don't wanna look like the granny with accidental purple hair. My mom and sis think it's weird. I don't want the commitment of bleaching my dark locks first. I don't want to look like that weirdo working at Wendy's...

Sigh.

I've been talking myself out of it for sooo long. And then I sit there with an annoying longing everytime a girl with mermaid tendrils passes by. I have a hair crush.

So this week I just stopped fussing. Well, a little anyway. I grabbed a bottle of 3 wash hair dye that shows up on dark hair. Unlike hair chalk or the old school hair mascara, I was able to scrunch and curl my hair like normal. Oh, because I also don't want to commit to having straight hair. That's a lot of work.

The result? One day of fun. I really liked it. I'll do it again. It didn't give me special attention or weird looks, but I felt fun. It didn't last for multiple washings like the box suggested so I might even go for a semi-permanent style.

I'm off the the beauty store! Because what's summer break for if not behaving slightly irresponsibly?

Crowds, tattoos, and taking it easy

This week I just sat back and didn't push myself too hard. I used the excuse that I AT LEAST doubled up on challenges last week.

To start with, I headed to Comic Con. I've gone and admitted that I'm a total nerd/geek, which prompted last week's post on comics and my relatively newfound interest. I figure admitting I'm a nerd counts as a fear. Just like everyone, I always try to be the cool girl. But when I got over that, it's an enthusiastic group of people who like to play dress-up. I can get behind that! I didn't dress up this time, but I think next time it's a go!

On top of entering nerd world, I faced HUGE crowds. Ack! It makes my brain feel all muddled when I try to work my way through a crowd. And when it's a convention like Comic Con, no one knows where they're going or what they're doing. NO ONE. It's impossible to maintain personal space, or a sense of chill for that matter.

Yeah, it was worth it.

But wait! There's more!

One of the nights after the Con, we headed off into no man's land... ok, it was just east of downtown. Not the point. I decided I had waited long enough for the tattoo that I kinda wanted. No, it wasn't my first so it wasn't the tattoo itself that qualifies as the fear. Instead, it was the person who did it. I found the the artist using Google maps combined with its convenient location next to Panda Express.

Don't worry, I wasn't a total flake with something that is now permanently part of me. After the random location, I spent time reading reviews, browsing the portfolio, and talking out what I wanted.

So basically, facing my fears led to a weekend filled with greatness. The tattoo ended up being something I LOVE. And that was on top of spending 3 days hanging out, people watching, learning great info, and all kinds of fun stuff.

I would do it again, for sure.

Comics are for Nerds

I want to be really honest right from the start. I’m pretty judgmental. Sure I could lie, cover up and say all the right things. I can hide it pretty well. But it’s just not true. And if you claim you aren’t secretly judging people then I think you’re a liar too. Woah, name calling in paragraph one… Is that really something I should do? Whatever, it’s out there and I don’t really feel bad about it.

Anyway, I only mention this because it explains the rest of my story. Which is what exactly? Why it’s taken me so darn long to appreciate comic books.

Let’s start by going back – way back to high school. Like most teens, that’s where my nose was stuck high in the air. I’m not sure about your high school years, but mine were filled with my strict parental policy of getting straight A’s, tennis, daydreaming about the cute by in my Spanish class, and watching movies with my friends. I was a reader, sure, but not quite like I am now. I would gobble up whatever novel my dad passed around or what my friends were talking about. Hannibal Lecter, Apollo 13, some Holocaust memoir… Comics were devoured in the Sunday funnies over a bowl of Cap’n Crunch, but never as actual reading material. Weren’t those for nerds and little boys?

Fast forward to college. There was some mild interest. OK, I read 2. I remember laying in my dorm room reading over a copy of Hellboy that a boy had given me. I really liked the story, but I wasn’t able to continue. Wait, wait, wait. Let me explain. Technically I could have continued, but it was a tricky social situation. The boy who lent them to me lurked. He didn’t know when to leave and while I appreciated the interest that it showed, he had an unusually large head and I wasn’t into it. I DIDN’T WANT TO SEND THE WRONG SIGNALS! Dating at that age is a delicate situation. A girl has to be careful. Plus I was still holding that feeling that I shouldn’t be looking at paperback picture books, lest I be lumped in with the nerds and little boys.

OK, skip forward a few more years. It’s the now, people! I’m out of college, life has settled into a comfortable routine, and I’m constantly on the lookout for new reading material. The library is my happy place. Oh, and the comics? They are slowly making an appearance into my regular reading material. Sure, I still have to get over my prejudices, or at least accept the fact that I’m a nerd. (Or is it geek? I always get those confused.) Yeah, that's me. In addition to those nasty judgments from before, I have teacher syndrome. All that teacherly literature talking about how you can get struggling readers more interested in the material with graphic novels. I have to disengage myself from the idea that struggling doesn’t always mean the dolt in the back of the room picking her nose.

So I recently finished reading my first graphic novel, Artimis Fowl: The Arctic Incident, a sequel to a young adult novel I read last year. It was complex and interesting. Don’t tell anyone but, even though I consider myself a pretty stellar reader, it was kind of hard to read. I’m use to focusing on the text and I let the little things slide by. I had to slow my roll and figure out that the graphics and colors added as much as the words. It was hard for me to give over that control, but once I did I was able to appreciate the artwork as well as the story. Yeah, I still struggle with the control thing, but I figured I would channel it into the character voices instead of the visuals.

And now I’m headed out into the wide world of stories with pictures. How refreshing. I’m keeping it simple so far. I found a graphic novel of Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, I’m that kind of dork. But the one I’m really excited about is Fight Club. (Can we just take a moment to reflect that Fight Club was an amazing book? Love that ending more than the film; I don’t care was Chuck says.) I’m definitely open to suggestions, but also in fear of my life. There’s so much out there. Where to start! And I can’t spend my grocery budget on old issues of X-Men. Gah, being an adult is so stupid sometimes!

I Can Ride My Bike

Like every little kid, I used to ride my bike constantly. My sister and I would race between manhole covers on our street or zig zag along the sidewalk path.

Every once in a while, not very often, my mom would climb on her bike. It never made sense to me why she didn't do it more because it was always an opportunity for her to show off. She would make our tires kiss, which always convinced me I was only a bump away from crashing to my death. Other times she would casually cruise along without holding on. It must have been some sort of sorcery because that was insane and pretty damn cool.

Of course I tried it. Duh. I casually dropped one hand, no big deal. I peeled off one finger. Then another. And finally I was just poking my handlebars.

Woah! I got this far and felt on top of the world. With only a hiccup of hesitation, I let go completely. I pulled my arms farther away from the handlebars.

I swear, I flew. You know, right up to the point where I plummeted to my doom.

Instead of a victory lap around the block, I sniffles and hobbled back to the house. And to make it worse, my cool new bike had a scratch. Well for that matter I was covered in scratches too.

It was that moment that I stopped trying to let go and always gripped at least one handle of my bike. 

Wow, that sounds like some cool metaphor or something but I really just mean my bike.

While I always wanted to know how to go without holding on, I kind of gave up. I don't like being hurt. Actually I think that's where many of my fears lie. More than death, I fear living in pain. And, yep, that includes skinned knees as much as anything.

So I faced this fear of falling this week. It's a childish fear, but it's steong and has been living in me for a looong time. I think it's life span actually makes it more difficult to face.

Anyway, I got on my bike daily.

I let go daily.

I made it approximately five seconds at a time. It felt like at least an hour as I passed those two houses, though. Seriously.

Gah, I'm lame.

I guess I need to keep working on it. Maybe I can get to the point of looking like one of those guys who rides their bikes all arrogant and lazy. Blocks at a time.

What I've also figured out, though, is that I care a lot less than I thought I did. It's a game more than something I'm worried about perfecting.

My kids have started playing along too. They will let go of one handlebar and hold it in the air like a bullrider. They do not laugh when they ask me to count how long they go and I start with an over-enthusiastic "LET'S GO, BOYS! LET'S GO, BOYS!" Nor do they think it's funny when I stop counting at 8 and do my best air horn impression.

*Sigh* I need to take them to a rodeo. Or at least watch Eight Seconds.

Change in Plans

I've decided to change up my plans just a little bit.

The majority of what I'm doing will stay the same, but I'm assigning weekly challenges instead of daily.

I just feel like daily challenges weren't realistic and I was unnecessarily stressing myself out. I think it's ok to have more down days or to take more than a single day to tackle an idea.

Anyway, I'm currently working with my bike. I always love biking but have always been jealous of my mom and sister able to go with no hands or of the people hanging out at the skate park/BMX place. Anyway... I'll keep posted on how it goes.

9. This is tough

Well, not actually writing. That's would be easy. But honestly my daily style challenges are just kinda... meh.

It's because the tedium of daily life that I keep saying away from keeping journals like this. Because I over think and question what I'm doing and why I put it out there.

I'm scared of a lot of little things. So yesterday I continued what I was doing without slinking away from a bee.

Don't judge. Bees are creepy with their fuzzy bodies and noisy wings and pointy butts.

Whatever. However gardening next to a bee hardly sounds like some crazy adventure, you know?

Sigh. My garden looks great at least.

4-8. Neglect for homework

Wow. Turns out I suck at posting daily.

Actually this week sucked in general.

For weeks I've been stressed about these classes I'm taking. They're tedious and difficult.

So after 2 weeks of constant freak outs, stress and general bitchiness, I decided to just do it. Plow through the work and get it out of the way. I'm 95% done with the work now.

How did that push my out of my comfort zone? I wasn't there for my family. I kept pushing them away so I could get things done. For 4 days I did that. It hurt my heart.

The worst is done now though. Hopefully.

3. Just Turn It In Already

The longer I'm in school, the more annoying I am as a student. I think it's because I don't appreciate it when my own students then something in half done.

So to avoid being one of them, I will hold on to a paper and open it 500 times to change a quote or a comma or whatever comes to mind.

Not today.

I became one of those annoying students who turned something in almost a week early, just because. Now I have to try to turn my brain off an not stress about it anymore. No grabbing it back to make changes. Hopefully, unlike the punk students, it's done like a rock star turned poet analyzing a library. Good stuff.

2. Writing to You

Ummm... This might seem easy for other people, but I get a little nervous here.

I mean writing.

Not all writing. Just when I know I'm going to show it to someone.

I'll keep a diary like none other, but when it comes to publishing? It doesn't matter if I'm turning in an essay for a grade or blabbering about my day online... I panic. I worry what people will think. I delete, revise, restart, and generally overthink everything I'm going to say.

Honestly, I'm much better in a text message.

So day 2 in my year without fear is here. I'm telling everyone about my project and making a commitment to not be intimidated by a blank page. I'm also acknowledging how silly it is considering I like to write, post to places like Facebook regularly, and turn in essays all the time.

I'm just weird like that.

But I'll continue posting and tracking my efforts. Take that, you stupid blank page!

1. Zipping Along

Happy birthday to me!

Somehow I never got over the idea that birthdays are fun and cool. Sure, I abandoned the idea that I should have a big party as soon as I learned that everyone went camping on Memorial weekend. That changes nothing, though. I still like to pretend I’m a princess and do something fancy.

In sticking with my plan for the Year Without Fear, I wanted to do something that pushed myself. I didn’t plan on doing anything like skydiving or swimming with sharks. Yeah, those are on the list of things that freak me out but I’m a baller on a budget. Wait, I’m waaay not cool enough to pull of a phrase like that.

Anyway, I talked my family into going a little extravagant, but not all out there insane. Zip lining!

It met all my requirement. It was close to home, out of my comfort zone, and came in a package deal with a slew of other things that gave me the heebie jeebies - ropes course, free fall jump, and the dreaded alpine slide.

It was a dark and stormy day.

For real. Thankfully the clouds parted and sent out sunshine just in time for me to sign my life away. Seriously, these places are like “Welcome! This is safe and fun! But sign this denying we had any part in your accident if it should happen.” No stress or anything!

Anyway, we started on the ropes course. Just climbing onto the platform in the tree got my heart thumping a little more than usual. Add to that all the clipping and harnessing and people waiting and I got flustered pretty easily.

I wasn’t allowed to wallow in the fluster, though, for two reasons.

1. I was on the Honeybee course. I think that’s the least threatening level they could decide to call it. I was being trailed by grade schoolers.

2. I was still in charge of a kid. Rela gets scared even easier than me. Parenting strategy: pretend nothing is scary and you are a master of anything.

I was able to spout off solid advice like “Just don’t look down. Let your feet feel where they need to go” and “You’re in a harness. You can’t even fall that far.” My favorite advice, which was really more to me than anyone else was “You can’t turn back. There is literally nowhere else to go except on the same things you just crawled over.” A lack of options: the best motivator ever.

Unfortunately, we weren’t able to go on any other courses. Apparently it would be considered bad parenting if you took a crying 2nd grader on the black diamond course.

With that in mind, we bickered over what to do next. Keep freaking ourselves out or go for a smaller challenge? The answer? Both. We split up.

I headed to the actual zipline, which Tony and the kids went for the chair lift/alpine slide combo. Strapped into a harnessing system and fighting to keep my shorts looking like anything but underoos.

Honestly, after huffing and puffing up the hill, the actual platform was a welcome sight. I was at the top! I didn’t need to climb anymore!

I was strapped to the line and a college kid directed me to the platform. Why is it always a college kid? Maybe it wouldn’t seem so silly to be scared if it was some kung fu master or war vet. But some chill teen that has the permanent boredom oozing from their pores?

Sigh. It is what it is, I guess. Heart racing I stepped onto a 2x4 they called the platform. Without much of a place to stand or chicken out, I really had no choice but to go. Ok, actually I was really into it. It was like a giant swing and who doesn’t like that.

Obstacle 3: the free fall jump. To be really honest, this was the first one that really gave me a chance to freak out. We were guided onto a solitary platform that was there for no other reason than to jump off. (I can only imagine what the person was thinking when they were building that.)

I smiled and faked like I was cool, but I lied. I watched Tony go, listened to his Wile E Coyote style whoop as he fell and that was enough to make me hesitate. A slightly less jaded college student gave me the instruction. Arms straight out, lean back, RUN, and then jump.

It was the running that got me. I had to act like I was all excited to jump off this ledge. Not a calm tipping over. Run!

I started all right.

And then stopped right at the edge. Damn that was a long way down.

My guide was not impressed.

I told myself that if Tony could do it, I could too. So I ran.

I jumped.

I was jerked back surprisingly quick.

That was it? I was lowered to the ground with a wave of disappointment and a headache. I had failed to hold my arms straight enough and my ear had hit the rope.

My guide was nice enough to help me find my earring that had been pulled off my ear and thrown into the parking lot.

Totally not me. It's my brother. But I did the same thing so it counts, right?

And with that, we were ready for the last challenge: the alpine slide. For most people this wouldn’t be a big deal. It’s a children’s ride. Just a slide, like sledding in the summer.

To be honest, I knew it was silly to be nervous about this one. It’s just associated with a bad memory. When I was 10-ish, my parents had taken me on an alpine slide on a visit to Colorado. Yay! So fun!

Except it was awful. The person behind me hadn’t followed the slow lane/fast lane rules and spent the entire time slamming into the back of my cart. My memory all these years later is me at the base of the hill crying as my dad went and yelled at the person.

This time, it was much more chill. Actually, waiting in the long line for my turn kind of killed any worry or adrenaline that had built on the trek to the top. The result? Calmly zooming to the bottom of the hill and making Cool Runnings jokes.

Unfortunately, no one asked me if I was alright. Because my I had prepared my Jamaican accented “No, mon.”

So that’s it. Day 1 done. Now I just have 364 days left.

The Year of No Fear

Oh no! Aaahh! Eeek!

Sometimes I feel like these words are always on the tip of my tongue. I’m waiting for
the next big freak out.

Ok, so I don’t always even think about what a sissy I’m being. It’s just like I actively
avoid a lot of things. Make jokes. Obviously over-exaggerate to play it off.
No, really. I like to laugh about my weeny mentality with scary movies. I just don’t
watch them. Refuse. Last time I watched a scary movie, I was scared of my own
bathroom for six months. I kept a night-light.

I was in college.

Anyway, I live in this self-mockery where I’m just chill with my lameness.

At the same time, I will feel a little twinge in my gut when I see people do daring
things. Like “Dude, I wish I could be like that.”

Like so many things in my brain, this all started with a book. I read My Year with
Eleanor by Noelle Hancock and was mesmerized by the idea of staring fear in the
face. This girl took to heart Eleanor Roosevelt’s words “Do something each day that
scares you” in order to push her limits and become the fearless gal she was in
college.

Something about her book really just broke through to me. First it was “I love her. I
want her as my new BFF.” It evolved into an admiration of her badassery. Finally it
has settled into a determination to challenge myself.
Eleanor could do it. Noelle could do it. And you know what? Julie can do it too.
Sure, I don’t have access to a bunch of resources like the first lady. And I do have the
freedom of no job, no kids like an unemployed-turned- freelance-journalist. But heck
with it. I’ve got a laundry list of unreasonable fears and the will to squash them!
So here it is. For some reason birthdays have a nice symmetry to a year-long
challenge. So even though I’m not turning a typical cool age like 21 or 30, I’m
starting on my birthday. 365 days of freaking myself out. Starting now.

Or yesterday. Punctuality has never been my strong suit.